At the end of the day, he'll still love me

So I want Gavin's first Christmas to be perfect, beyond perfect actually. I know, I know,  he'll only be four months old on Christmas and wont have the faintest recollection of it. That doesn't matter to me! I want him to have everything I had and more, which is sometimes really hard.

I'm so stressed and exhausted with everything going on in my life that I feel like G is missing out on things. I don't talk to him as much anymore, and I don't strive on a daily basis to make sure he reaches all his milestones. I've fallen into my own bad mom category, which I swore I would never do. Don't get me wrong, I interact with the kid all day long, we sit and have ten minute long conversations at various points through out the day. It's just some times when he's talking I just let him talk while I do something else, I've never been one to do that.

Last night my Mom pointed out the fact that I don't pay nearly as much attention to him as I used to while I'm feeding him. I was working on something for school and had him in the crook of my elbow holding the bottle with that hand. Not a easy task considering how wiggly he is! First off Mom, he used to stare at me while I fed him, now he's too busy being nosey and checking out everything in the room to look at me! Second off, I have to get this stuff done, don't make me feel like a ass just because I wasn't staring at him while he was eating.

I tried to justify myself and she just gave me that, you're being a bad mom and you know it look. I promptly closed the laptop, burst into tears, and stormed down to my room with him. He finished eating and I tried to snuggle with him but he didn't want anything to do with it. Whatever I did wasn't good enough for him, I wasn't good enough for him, I didn't feel good enough for anyone. I've never claimed to be perfect, I try my hardest to be the best mom that I can be for that little boy and my mom knows it. It breaks my heart that she would think for even a second that I wasn't paying enough attention to him. I'm doing it all by myself, I don't have has much time or attention sometimes that I would like to give to him but it'll have to do for now. Things don't always go as planned, but none of that matters when it comes down to it.

All that matters is that, at the end of the day, he still loves me